'Sup y'all. It's been a while. Been back in Singapore for about a month plus. Makan non stop. Motek non stop. Membabi in KL with Dee for five days. Countdown with TKGSAX or what's left of us. My daily routine goes like this: sleep at 4am, wake up at 5pm, out by 6pm, home around 2am. Enjoying life fo sho'. Money finishing. Gained like 5 more kilos. Friends are all gone. I miss you Sayafiqah. More motek. Motek every other day. Surprise picnic. Love my dad. Awesome Bangkok trip with my best friend in the whole world last week. Have dreadlocks now yo. Soo Kun bought a fucking chipmunk hahahaha it was so hilarious oh my f god. Amazing camping experience with Khai. Now panicking like shit because I cannot get a fucking PR. Don't want to work. But no money so have to work. Life's hard. But one thing I know and I'm pretty sure is that, I'm in love ha ha ha ha gay shit.


Diam ah.

Hey Mak,

Ayah is here in Perth tau. He bought me a new camera. Kalau Ika pass exams nanti dia nak belikan Mini Cooper hehehe jangan jealous. RESULTS NEXT WEEK OMG TAKOTTTTZ. We are shit bored. He talks about you every single second. It's almost 50 days. So fast hor.

Ok guess what? We went to Monkey Mia (the place you've been dying to go .. haha, I'm so punny) the other day with Ciksu and OMG IT"S SHIT BORING WITH CAPITAL BORING TO THE MAX LA SIA. K la, awesome scenic drive along the coastal, dolphins swimming like 100m away from us, we had the camper van, et cetera. But boring la siallll. Puas hati pergi East Coast Park. Trufax furreal no joke. And oh, oh, we went to Margaret River before that, farm stay and all. Tu pon boring. But kan, we drove all the way with my car! So awesome right Mak?

I miss you so bloody much, Mak. Wish you were here with us. Wish you're still alive. Really hope they're all treating you well up (down?) there. Talk to you soon, baby :)

*ps Gambar step. Mentang mentang camera baru. Tu Reagan. Dia boring nak mampus.
*pps Ayah tak tahu ambil gambar. Gambar Ika semua kental.
*ppps Ika gained 4KG gemok siak kbye luv u Mak

It's been a week. I don't think I am ready to write a proper entry. Heck, I don't think I'll ever be ready for 'life', for that matter.

I miss you so much, Mak. Always have, always will.

Mak, can you hear me? I know you can. I know you can feel me here. I know you know that I'm here. Mak, it hurts so much to see you like that. It hurts so much to see your eyes shut and the tube that you're breathing from, struggling for your life. It hurts so much that the first time I saw you I just collapsed. I couldn't take it, Mak. I still can't face you. I know you're doing this for me.

Do this for me, Mak. For Ayah. For us. Please Mak, wake up. Wake up and talk to me. Wake up and nag at me. Wake up and scold me for not cleaning my room. Wake up and laugh at how merepek I ironed Ayah's pants. Wake up, Mak. Please Mak, wake up and say you love me.

I love you, Mak. I love you so much. I love you so much that it's killing me. Mak, please Mak. Fight. Fight this. Please, Mak. Eventho' the doctors keep saying that the chances are really slim, but please, Mak. Please help me, Mak. I have no one else, Mak. I really have no one else in this world.

Mak, please Mak. I've been praying for you, Mak. InsyaAllah, god will answer my prayers. InsyaAllah we will meet again. InsyaAllah, Mak.

Because I have faith. I have faith so strong that it's gonna be okay. It's gonna be.. okay.

It hasn't been easy. Especially when you have a sick mom lying in the hospital, who can't see properly, can't speak properly, can't walk, can't even get up, can't hold anything .. and you're so many miles away. It hasn't been easy. Especially when she doesn't want to talk to you, she doesn't pick up your calls because she can't .. trust me, it hasn't been easy. Only god knows how I feel right now, like dying, like dying so bad just so that He would trade our lives because my mom is suffering. People keep on lying, keep on telling me that she's ok, she's gonna be ok, keep on telling lies to me. I haven't slept in days, I haven't been eating properly, I'm hearing voices, I can't focus, I can't think of anything else, I can't do my assignments, but at the same time, I don't want to give up either. I've came this far. So far. The things I've gone through for three years .. god, only you know how much I've suffered, how much strength I've needed from you, how much tears I've wasted, how I die a little every single day because it's not easy. I want to go home so bad, to see my mom, to be by her side, to cheer her up, but I can't. One, I have so many things to do/ to catch up on. Two, I can't afford a flight back. But despite all that, I have the most wonderful friends. Beyond wonderful. I don't know what I did right but, guys, I'll be forever grateful I swear to you. My friends back home who went to visit my mom and talk to her.. well, the least she sounded cheerful. I owe you guys a mill. Thank you for your prayers. The guys here in Perth, good goddddd, I would die without you. Thanks for understanding, for being here for me, for cheering me up, for caring, for taking care of me, for giving me encouragement, I love you all. Sigh. I'm so sad, y'know?

Today marks the 3rd year of me being single. Macam sedih eh? But it's okay la at least tak banyak buat dosa.

1) Hotcakes with parents.
2) Caroling raya songs outside my house to surprise my grandparents. Atok cried awww ♥
3) Day 1 spent at SGH.
4) Tried to drive around = FAIL
5) Reverse parking = FAIL
6) Day 2 & Day 3 jalan raya in the fucking hot sun. Couldn't stop complaining. Died every 2 minutes, NO JOKE.
7) Day 4 spent at CGH.
8) Day 5 motek with random guy hahahahaha.
9) Day 6 motek with Khai Lidah hahahaha k takde la.
10) Day 7 TK girls + thul = love you guys times forever and ever trufax. Thanks for the awesome night.
11) Day 8 went shopping with the favouritest girl in the world. Spent all my raya money. Good job.
12) TKGSAX surprised me before midnight. Most beautiful birthday cake in my life. The best surprising surprise from my best friend just because I was too tired to connect the dots.
13) Day 9 dinner with TKGSAX at El-Sheikh ♥ ♥ No Khai Sa Man tho.
14) Supposed to be back on Monday but my mom got sick, had to go hospital, etc :'(
15) Got back on Tuesday, feeling fucking depressed, couldn't sleep, cried like shit, wanna go home, etc :'(
16) But you know what? The next time I come home, it'll be with my degree.
17) God bless me and my family.

I don't know how other people do this but I can't deal with it anymore. Multiple myeloma. The words that came after that flashed infront of my eyes, stinging them like what seemed forever. "Median 50-55 months" and "incurable". I read, re-read, re-read like billion times until it sank to me that this is really happening. The symptoms are exactly the same. They are happening to my mom.

It's killing me. This whole thing. This whole thing of being away, knowing that my mom is so sick, hearing her weak voice .. it's killing me so bad. I am not prepared for anything. I don't think I will ever be. And I don't want her to go. Who does? She's still young, she used to be so active, she's .. my mom. She has to be there for me. Wherever I go, whatever I do, whenever. She's my mom. And she's sick. She's sick without her only child. God, this is killing. me. so. bad.

Mak, please I just want you to see me graduate. See me succeed. See me get married. See me have children. Hold them and pamper them. I really need you, Mak. I really have no one except for you and Ayah so please Mak. Do me a favour and be strong. Fight your cancer Mak. I will fight with you. Ika and Ayah will fight with you. Please Mak. I am begging you to stay for as long as it is. I am begging you so damn hard.

We will get through this, Mak. Mak, please trust me. It's just a phase. A phase for our family to get closer than ever. A lesson for us not to take things for granted. Not to take this family for granted ever again.

Please Mak, please ...

Gambar no meaning + blur pasal camera mampos

HAPPY 24TH BIRTHDAY PERT, WIEW, WOLCANO, WOLUME. PERT PERT PERT HAHA HAHA HA. I would get my big ass up and valk 3 steps to knock on your door and vish you but my big ass is too big so, too badddd. Other than that, suck it all up and happy vorking on your birthday because trust me, birthdays suck. Thanks for being an awesome (limited wocab) housemate and a brother-like figure. I demand you to take care of Najat. Okay, I will vish you again tomozz.

One hundred million points for you and I

Only 20 points for Shamil because he died on the floor after carrying the TV for like, 30 seconds hahahahhhahaaha omgggg YOU HAVE TO BE THERE TO SECRETLY LOL IN YOUR HEART BECAUSE IT WAS TOO. FUNNY. But okay la, another 10 points for recovering fast enough to motivate all of us.

Anyway, first raya without my parents = nak step independent buat everything. Aim was to challenge my mom's ability and prove my dad that I can do it. Please bear in mind that, I have never ever made raya kuihs or cooked for a lot of people (more than 50) before.

(1) Made cookies for like, a week

Highlight #1: Grinding almond in my room, no joke, because I didn't want to wake Danny up and Najat masok bilik, "Kenapa tak bawak masok blender dalam bilik sekali?" Hahahah babi.

Highlight #2: Spent >$250 on ingredients alone (ingredients for food more than $250 also) yang masih berlambak IN MY ROOM NAO (srsly waste of money) and called my mom 32894034 times to ask what's this and that. Seriously don't understand why people write recipes in Malay.

(2) Raya eve

Highlight #1: Slept for 5 hours max in 3 days (thanks to assignmentzzzz) but no choice had to buy ketupats and other last minute stuff. Omgggg, swear I've never seen so many makciks before. Ketupats SOLD OUT. Had to beg the uncle to check whether got belen in the store room. Thank god for 2 packets. Went to another oriental shop. SOLD OUT ALSO. Another one got Adabi but step nak pakai Nona nya aje. In the end Kardinya got a lot. Waste time travelling.

Highlight #2: Kardinya > Bullcreek > Garden City > Kardinya > Southlands > Murdoch > Canningvale > Myaree > Garden City > Myaree > Kardinya (for memories' sake, my route on that day from 10am-2.30pm. Busy bee)

Highlight #3: SHAMIL BROKE HIS BACK + TV INCIDENT.

Highlight #4: Died cutting chillies, onions, et al. AND THE MEAT OMGGGG. But thank god for Amalina and Nisha. Love y'all. Lagu raya on repeat in the background. Plus takbir. When Ayah called me, he cried when he heard the takbir. Kental.

Highlight #5: MAKAN PIZZA MALAM RAYA. Felt so sedih, haha. But (first and) best experience in the world.

Highlight #6: Mixed up the recipes, got so cranky because felt so bodoh, goring ayam without kunyit + tak basuh, Amalina's mom's comments were the best hahaha, SI BILIK SEBELAH MACAM WTF SENGAJA SIBUK MASAK = BINGIT GILA, Nisha + Amalina's sambal tumis was so awesome.

Highlight #7: Not quite a highlight but my mom got sick and she was sent to hospital but I was too fucking tired to cry.

Highlight #8: Brain died at 2.30am, had to pass my sambal goreng to Najat, and then died on my bed. Didn't die per se because couldn't sleep. Was so worried for my mom. Finally fell asleep at 5.30ish.

(3) Showtime (ha, ha step)

Highlight #1: Finally fell asleep at 5.30ish BUT SOMEONE CALLED ME AT 6AM BECAUSE HE WANTED TO USE MY CAR OMGGGGGGGGGGG I WAS SO PIZZED OFF LA NA BEY. Called my dad and he told me that Mok's in ICU and my heart just shattered. Poor mom :(

Highlight #2: Went to Kings Park for prayers. The. Best. Ever. Froze under the tree with Shamil and Nisha omg it was hilarious but the best thing was praying in the rain with mulut keluar asap. No joke.

Hightlight #3: My mom telling me she's okay.

Highlight #4: Ayam masak merah Batch#2 hangos. Kena masak lagi. Bingit.

Highlight #5: Reagan's new car = awesome shit. Plus annoying people making fun of my car, haha.

Highlight #6: I only know like 10% of the people who came hahaha kesian. But the best + spoil my day was when Shayma entered (with her tak pasti jubah) the hauzzz omgggg I died a little.

Highlight #7: FOOD STILL GOT A LOTTT. KETUPAT MACAM MORE THAN 20. ADA 5 PACKETS BELUM MASAK.

MAJOR HIGHLIGHT: HATS OFF TO SHAMIL, NAJAT AND MYSELF FOR BEING AWESOME. (Najat and Shamil, for sleeping only 2 hours to clean and decorate the house; Najat for her rendang and sayur lodeh; me for sambal goreng and ayam masak merah yang pedas nak mampos*; Shamil for layaning all the guests, 100 more points because you did a really fabulous job; Najat and I, for topping up food non-stop from 11am-10pm).

And to Amalina and Nisha, you guys are awesome too. No really, sayang korang to the max. And yesss Reagan for going up and down to oriental shop to get stuff for us.

(2) Second day of Raya

Skipped school, still in bed, still sore, rumah berserak nak mampos.

Okay but seriouzzzzly, guys, words cannot describe my love for Najat and Shamil. I've never met anyone who's so enthu about raya, ever, ever, EVER. Thank you so much for keeping me sane, for putting up with my mood swings, for telling me that everything's gonna be ok, for spending like hell, for sacrificing your life, for everything that we've gone through, JUST FOR RAYA. Imagine that, ppl.

My camera had to die and produce shit photos, hence I don't have nice ones and I got kinda sad for a while but then I was like hey, the memories, the laughter, the frustration, the tears, the tiredness of yesterday are going to be on my fucking mind forever and ever. That's more than enough.

Selamat hari raya, Najat & Shamil. Sorry for being such an ass all the time haha but I really love you guys to death.

Moral of the story: I am never never ever gonna do open house ever again.

* Kalau tak pedas bukan raya namanya
** Photo curik from Amalina, thanks for your awesome camera ♥

Penat tahu tak? Macam, eeeeee penat gila babi sampai tak boleh rasa kaki and otak macam seriously dah beku tapi no choice kena buat tu bodoh peh assignment (terima kasih tuhan, sayang kau) and yang lain nya groupmates macam tak guna satu sen tapi what to do, it's my bloody marks too and I want to graduate. And then macam seriously drained, I know ah aku pon carik pasal buat benda benda bodoh (seperti buat kuih sampai 6 jenis, siapa suruh?) and sometimes diri pat dapur 5 hours straight and then pergi pasar macam beribu kali sampai nyonya tu dah familiar ngan muka ni. And then kena angkat semua benda berat nak mampos takde orang tolong plus everytime pergi confirm ribut (ya Allah Najat, you're so lucky okay) tapi kadang-kadang dalam hati macam, ok takpe, kena independent. Hari tu si jantan bongok ikot pon bukannya nak tolong. Waste space kereta aku je. But fineee, kau tolong cuci kereta aku. So okay la, 2 points for you. Ya Allah penatnya macam nak tido forevz. And just fuck it with everything but I want to have my share of fun too. And then kalau tak buat satu benda, si dektu and si dektu masam muka. Apa ni? Kau fikir aku ni apa? Haiya, nasib baik ada kereta (~sayang kereta~). Dah la takde tempat nak ngadu nasib. Mana ni kawan-kawan aku pat Singapore ni? Aku nak cakap ngan korang la cheebs. K but maybe this is how Mak and Ayah kerja untuk aku hari-hari. Padan muka. Kau memang tak guna betul, kerja sikit je bising. "Quit being pathetic". Nenek kau la. Kau fikir aku nak motek pe dengan jantan. I need someone to help me buat benda kazanah ni semua okay. And kalau ada orang picit kan kaki pon bagos. Okay dah, lega. End of complain. Jom pergi sekolah and rambut serabai and muka tak mandi and tak pakai eyeliner .. tapi tetap lawa di mata Allah. Ha ha pantat kau la.

My favourite gurrrrrrl graduated today. Believe it or not, I cried a lil bit during the convocation. I know, so gay but I couldn't help it. I feel so proud of all the graduates. I can't believe Jonathan won't be here anymore. And Salote. And Melvin. And omg, Tommy ~finally~ graduated hahahahaha.

Okay, I am so tired I could fuck myself but I don't want to 'cause I'm just. Tired. No joke. No sleep 'til raya because so many things to do siol. I've lost 8KG in 2 months. My mom should be proud of me. Tapi still gemok, so jangan banyak cakap pls.

I suddenly don't feel like raya-ing anymore because I just made two most disgusting kuih raya on earth. No, really they're so ugly I feel so sad for them I actually teared a bit (gay). And they taste so merepek and they look so bleargh and I just want to throw them away but then so sayang, and I keep telling myself that maybe they're pretty in God's eyes. Like Ayid. For those who don't know who's Ayid, click here. Hahahahah apasal aku sial. But really laaa, those kuihs don't deserve to be eaten, or touched, or looked at because they're just. ho fucking doh. I can so imagine Shearer/ Dee saying, "puki aku lagi lawa." :(

Anyhow, just now me and Reagan traveled around Perth to get my baking supplies. Step baking supplies konon. First stop was Northbridge. Apparently Doris misinterpreted my question so we ended up at this shop with cooking equipments but I wanted to buy flour and butter, all that jazz. K, tu takpe. Then we followed Reagan's GPS to find another shop and we went all the way to Warwick la cibai AND ENDED UP AT THIS FACTORY OMGGGG IT WAS SO HILARIOUS BECAUSE THE SHOP NAME'S "BAKING EQUIP" BUT IT'S FOR LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOUR CAKE MIXER'S SPARE PARTS, THOSE KINDA THINGS. So I asked the person if he's selling cookie cutter and he brought us into this ~private office~ la sial and everyone was looking and seriously, I couldn't stop laughing. I obviously don't know how to tell stories properly but whatevs. Next stop was Vic Park because the other time I saw this nice baking shop when I was walking with my parents and o.m.f.g, they sell those small tiny weeny metallic paper cups for fucking $34.90 no joke. Other shops sell for like what, max 5 bucks.

But the best part was, I ended up buying everything from Coles -_-. Aku ni kan suka susahkan hidup orang.

*gambar takde kena mengena but omgggg how time flies

This morning, when I saw Najat's note on my door saying there's gonna be a 'raya meeting' today, I couldn't stop laughing omgggggg we are so semangat I swear. We even have a long guest list. Whachuthinkaboutdat?

Anyway, there are so many things to do! I still need to make like 8 other types of kuih (I've made two already, but the second one is like rubbish but then semalam dekat iftar the Egypt people kata sedap macam kuih dorang. ~bangga~). And I want to make Kuih Tart la but seriously looking for pinapples is a chore. And Hazelnut Ball, but there are no hazelnuts here also and MY CAR HAVE TO DIE RIGHT I STILL NEED TO BUY BAKING SUPPLIES DAMMIT.

But the best part is, Najat and I are gonna cook. Siriuz biznez. What's on the menu? Ketupat instant, rendang, sayur lodeh, ayam masak merah, sambal goreng, (Amii's) sambal tumis and serunding, et cetera. SRSLY, NO JOKE.

Okay, I really hope raya in Perth is on Sunday. If not, all these plannings can buang pat tong sampah.